Saturday, March 29, 2014

"but because things change. friends leave. and life doesn't stop for ANYBODY."

"time flies and i'm just treading water" [from 04/26/13

 the past months in high school have made me somewhat insecure about everything, or rather it’s given me a reality check on my perception of myself? i’m not as good as i thought i was, which i accept, and i really want to rise to the occasion to improve myself. but there never seems to be enough time. i am constantly questioning what i’m supposed to do with my life, and as of now, i want more than to just barely get by in school. i want to discover whatever hidden passions i might have, the things that make me feel happy, proud, and accomplished with myself. 
my parents have been talking to me and i've been infected with the college bug; it would be super cool to go to uc berkeley or stanford, but it's kind of a pipe dream right? :3 so many tests to take, clubs to join, things to do, all just to "stand out" with whatever i am passionate about. i really hope the time i put in is worth it, all of my friends are out there having fun and i'm just at home studying like aksadjfksdjfklsd. i am extremely thankful to even have an education, it's just that sometimes i wish i had a group of study buddies that i could talk to and do homework with and whatnot you know? we'd be like WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER WORKING YEAHH
i've noticed personally, i sort of have a theme (or whatever is dominating my life at the moment) that gradually becomes more apparent. as of now i feel like i am in this perpetual state of tired :( track has been interesting, hurdling, meeting awesome new people, i've perfected the art of updos, mainly side ponytails and buns; hooked on this game called battle cats, and have recently fallen in love with the wonderful fruit (?) that is avocado.

i'm an EGGSpert ahahHAHAHAH

9th grade/freshman year is a little over 3/4ths of the way through. this has been a longlonglong week and 5 more weeks until sat, this important standardized test that plays a big part in getting in college, track preliminaries in 4 days, freshman year is nearing to in end and i feel oh so average; all these people around me who are talented at sports, in student government, getting leadership positions in clubs, STARTING their own clubs, getting amazing grades, band, drama, extracurricular and all that, how do they do it? and what if i don’t necessarily want to be or can’t be a leader/ get leadership roles; then what? sophomore year i want to get more involved with school activities; i’m still searching around for some ~meaningful~ volunteering opportunities you know? (aquarium, library, soup kitchens mmm what's a girl have to do to find a cute little thrift shop to help out at?) i want to try everything, i want to be spectacular at something but i don’t know what. i feel like no matter what i do it’s not going to be good enough for the schools i want to go to then again i don’t have the slightest clue as to what i’d want to do in the future, i can only hope that with whatever i end up doing i am able to make a meaningful contribution to society. 
i would like to make a positive impact, though currently i’m not sure specifically how, so for now, i’m trying volunteering, because helping others always makes me kind of happy and warm on the inside. ideally in the near future i’ll find the things that will fuel me, drive me to be the best i can be, and from this newfound sense of purpose i want to take away confidence. i want to finally be comfortable in my own skin, carry myself with dignity, but above all,  be the person the ten year old me would be proud of. of course i’m not exactly naturally gifted at anything, but that is okay because i plan on reaching my goals through hard work and perseverance, as many people i admire and respect have done before. and what is a life lived with no purpose?
i hope that i am much wiser three years from now; just a friendly reminder the amount of friends you have or the affection you receive doesn’t dictate your worth as a person. don’t let other’s negative opinions of yourself sway you because you are so much more than that. it all comes down to yourself; you have to keep believing in yourself, that you will one day be happy. one of these days you’re going to have to realize high school is just a temporary phase of your life that you’ll move on from in 3 years. everything is inevitably temporary, and the only thing you will ever be fully in control of is yourself. you’ve only lived a small fraction of your life, and there is more to life than this particular city & the people who inhabit it, you’ve you’re entire life and the whole world ahead of you, keep working hard at it now so you can do more things you want to do later kid, i believe in you.
i want to be my own hero.
^something i wrote 11 months ago, when school was hard, i ate avocado on a daily basis, and i wore my hair up nearly every day. i'll go out on a limb and say that i was depressed for the longest time because i did not know how to cope with change. quite frankly, i was not feeling like i was capable of achieving anything, felt disillusioned with school/ the education system, and frustrated with myself for falling short of my expectations. i wanted to give up because i didn't how to actively change my situation for the better.

 it is essential for me to know i have a possibility, that i'm not a hopeless case, that i am capable. since then i have joined some amazing publications that i'm proud to be a part of, drifted from my old friend group in order to meet people and make friends of my own, and become *slightly* more self assured. ALSO: I RAN 8 MILES NONSTOP AND IT WAS *EXHILARATING*. i've come to terms with the minor existential crisis and feelings of inadequacy by simply. not. caring. (too much). appblr (a college app tumblr community, which is just as nerdy as it sounds) is full of supportive people with a spectrum of perspectives that have allowed me to understand that i just have to do my own thing. i'm going to think of college ~SHUDDERfuture~ as simply something i'll apply sideways (so important) to. intelligence, drive, perseverance, initiative; none of the insincerity, all of the passion.

i'm getting there: my grades/ study skills have drastically increased, i love the freshies i get to meet in cross country and track, being close with the library is pretty cool, i'm an intern for an amazing website, and finally, aside from some moments of hesitation, overall, i'm feeling pretty great about high school? i can totally see myself interning in the city, taking pictures, listening to local bands, attending festivals, listening to lectures, visiting museums, taking advantage of all that los angeles has to offer, and then blogging and creating my own art. and art! so many mediums left unturned! film making! producing/mixing electronic music (BEING A DJ/ PRODUCER AH)! oil paint/ pastel! extreme couponing! i'm now rambling!

 i harbor this vision of sorts where i'm a college student in city x, and i am part ukulelesaxophonemelodica playing paint splattering photographing-type person in touch with my ~artistic~ side, but also a physicist/chemist/i don't have a very well informed understanding of STEM fields, which is why i have a limited perception of careers in STEM, unfortunately u_u but nonetheless, i was inspired by an image that stated the overlap between art and science was wonder, which was totally a great reminder of how magical cross disciplines are. *U*

junior year is approaching, i'm signed up for 234283948 prep classes in the summer (can't wait to get the sat over with - got a 1900 on a diagnostic test so i should be able to reach my target range), i'm a little excited because with junior year i was able to choose from a broader range of courses: english composition, physics, us history, calculus, spanish 3 (here's to hopefully becoming trilingual and travelling?) &  i've recently turned 15 and a 1/2 SO that means i can get my permit, and eventually driver's licence! the possibilities are endless! i'm so thankful to have made new friends and be able to keep in touch with some of the old, i'm truly looking forward to maturing as a person, and hopefully earning and enjoying a little more independence.


Sunday, September 8, 2013

as of lately

 hello lovelies, i will post pictures later, but i've been a part of some great organizations and doing so many amazing great things~

 Share on Tumblr

Sunday, July 7, 2013

t h r o w b a c k

so here was me at the end of summer, near the beginning of freshman year;

view on lookbook here


    FOREVER 21 

    FOREVER 21 

    , in FOREVER 21 TOPS



    , in JEWELRY


    99 CENT STORE 

    , in JEWELRY

    FOREVER 21 

    FOREVER 21 




    , in FLATS



    , in BAGS

there were fun dressy-uppy days, spirit days

...and naturally there were lazy days

BUT i'm feeling pretty lazy right now so i'll leave these photos here. here's to varying between the extremes of trying too hard and not trying at all but looking fabulous nonetheless~

by the way, i've started a new twitter & instagram for this blog if anyone's interested it's on the side ^_^ good night.

Share on Tumblr

Monday, July 1, 2013

honesty hour + change

how have you guys been?

i'm sorry i haven't been consistently posting :(
i feel like i've had a perpetual headache since summer started and it won't go awaaay
i am in need of some inspiration
and maybe netflix
i'd really like to get out of the house and go on some fun adventures and volunteer and just walk around and enjoy the nice weather you know? but i'm going to be busy making up for my really iffy grades this past school year [[[no one's fault but mine]]] and i just feel so lost and purposeless;

when i post on this blog i must seem very chipper and upbeat, but in all honesty, i'm tired.
from this point on, this blog is unfiltered
i want the things i do to be sincere, i want them to be true to me.
seems like time is just slipping through my fingers like sand and i can't do anything about it
maybe it's marked by my first year since elementary school that have not gotten straight a's, and it sounds really bad but i feel like i've been stripped of my identity. or misled? i'd really like to establish myself, find the things that help me discover my self worth.

my grades do not define me my grades do not define me my grades do not define me
what else am i good at? what else can i be proud of myself for?

i hope to discover that this summer.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Share on Tumblr

disqus for collectivelyjess